TAO

The evolution of Tao in my life over the course of 20 years
My Tao

1999

To me what Tao calls Emptiness is a catastrophe

Yet that emptiness confounds me and even charms me

Taoism wraps up the mystery in my life

I give it the explanation for my existence

Never mind its essence

All I know is that I nourish it

Thus I get used to its presence

I am no longer alone

Yet when  I am isolated, lonely, I start to doubt

I fear myself

My ship, wrecked

This is how unhappiness

Crawls into my home

Without the Tao the beauty is lost

Without the Tao my desires are muted

I face nothingness

I can still hear my guide

Tao is always there

It’s only up to me to open up my heart

My desires are stuck because I ran from them

Bitterness

The sound of his voice

I hear loud and clear

The voice of Tao

Is my refuge and my comfort

But when I forget the wisdom

I let go of promises

In my wrtecked boat

I become dirty

When it rained I rusted

I try to get back

But I cut myself off

My hands lay empty

I yelled

I cursed I blamed

Without hope

In total darkness

When the truth escaped me

When reality passed me by

I hate disappointments

I don’t know how to handle them

So I postponed my turn

In this life of mine

That has turned into a chess game

My partner my opponent

I lived in fear

I have known bad times

Hunger, cold, delusions

A possible end

A trumpet using me as a target

I do not forget

That his voice

Is singing the Tao of Love

That my fate is to love always

Ready to meet my man

I am married already

Because I overcame the obstacles

Channeled my fears

Guided my destiny

Expressed my love

My darling the one I adore

My darling the one in my heart

What happiness!

I am ready to give birth

Start a home All at once create

Family and Art

This is the thing called life

My dream has become free

TAO (2000 – 2001)

When will I find the Tao

And stop walking aimlessly

Or am I still deaf to its voice

Men have treated me unkindly

They say they are sorry

But they won’t stop their mad dance

Faith is a word so light it flies away

I keep having to chase it back home

The purpose of men escapes me

I want to find the peace of the Tao

It is so easy to get lost

To get buried in sorrows

In the contemplation of evil done

But for all the evil is there a corresponding good

The Tao is beyond that

Yet I am still stuck in anger

In the desire to be free of mankind

With its imperfection and destruction

How impossible it is to know the Tao

Yet it is what I aspire to the most

The Tao of Love must be within my reach

Yet I am still alone

What makes me say yes or say no

Is it the Tao, however imperfect I might be?

I wanted to write words of wisdom

But it seems I have none

Some men have found the Tao

I am still struggling to be on the path

I don’t think I am

If I was I’d find more peace within

And I break down and cry

I can’t be satisfied with my sorry story

I want more and so I go where I think

I will find more

Words of wisdom I have none

Words of experience maybe a few

Don’t know

Don’t care

Don’t understand

Do you blame me

I feel desparate

Having held off so long

People commenting

I’d prefer to hear the voice of the Tao

But you get what you get

And have to make do with it

I am disappointing a bunch of you

By leaving you behind

Or are you going to follow me?

When I was a teenager

I lived in a big house on the hills

I laid by the pool in the afternoons

I dreamed of foreign lands

In the security of my home

I wanted to taste another country

The idea of studying abroad

Appealed to me

But my dream got shattered

I lost my identity

I lost everything but me

A new country, new faces

I didn’t want to change

I did nothing

It didn’t feel like a home

There came a time when I was unhappy

When I wanted to quit my job but didn’t

So I got myself fired

I was unlucky with love, stuck you might say

But I was free and let go of my secure hellish life

I took a left turn and built some memories

Years later I felt I was a prisoner in the city

And to this day I live in fear

People popping up

Saying things about me they should not know

Exercizing some degree of interference

Who cares? Who are they?  What do they want?

What have they done to me?  What is the purpose?

Living to feel

Leaving to heal

I am caught

Distraught

Faith he said

But my body bled

Doctor doctor my mentor

I read Lao Tseu

I find more questions

And no new resolutions

Strangers in my life

Have shown me a knife

I’m looking for love

Just like a dove

Where are my children

The ones that got stolen

Faith in my heart

When I was young I had a home

But that was taken away from me

I was left with myself

In the company of strangers

I can’t say I had faith

All I had was sadness and curiosity

So I sailed to California

Buried myself with books

And when it was over

I was as clueless as before

There seemed to be no meaning

No Tao of Love no mystery

I fought back

2007

I don’t know you

And sometimes I don’t even care

I look for you

But I find no answers

Others claim they have

And I suppose I could too

What have I been doing wrong

What am I doing right

I still haven’t read the lines

That will guide me along

Every word is a secret

And I don’t have the key

Maybe it’s supposed to be that way

That I am so alone

In this world

That I have to figure it out

On my own

And when I have

Because I need to

Necessarily

I will know the Tao

I spent years there

Hoping things would work out

Eventually

I thought it was my Tao

And when all hell

Broke loose

Never been so frightened in my life

I found refuge in my mother’s land

And calmed down talking to my psychiatrist

I thought the storm was all my doing

So, I went back

But the land is not like it used to be long ago

I don’t understand why things have changed so much

All this mysery, all this magic, all this craziness

Faith he said

In what?  In life?  Do I?

Live, despite life

Love, despite love

Leave, despite home

Believe, despite interference

Go even if he disapproves

Build even if it’s your only choice

Find peace within yourself

Open up to your doctor

He’s the one you like to talk to

2020

My path I have found.  I have the Tao in my life. I am happy.  Things are not perfect.  Far from it for instance I never had children and now it’s too late.  But I have people in my life that I highly value and I can say that I am at peace.  My peace in Denmark.  I have found my path and what is needed is endurance patience and courage.  My father is with me in Denmark.  His name is Helge and in the more than twelve years I have lived in Denmark I met only one Helge and he was Norwegian.  The bus stop in front of my building is called Helge because it’s the side street to my street.  That tells me that my father wants me to be here and tries to help me best he can.  It is the Tao manifesting himself in my life.  Why do I say that?  Because so many people questioned my decision to move to Denmark. But I held on with Helge.  And in many ways I prefer Helge dead than alive.  Alive he did not want me to live in Denmark.  In Denmark there is Helge’s cousine Merete so my aunt and I visit her every week. She is going to be 92.  Every time I leave her I catch the train on time it’s pure magic this is a sign that Tao is happy with my relationship with Merete.  But with corona Merete is not happy and she spends her time sleeping.  I have to stay at the door and when I went yesterday I looked at the clock to know when the train comes so now I don’t have to have my clue from the Tao.  The Tao manifests himself in other situations I hope. I feel so blessed to have the Tao with me.  When my dad died I went to France for the funeral.  It was an horrible experience.  One of the worst in my life.  On the way back the plane stopped in Paris and I saw my doctor in the plane.   I was not sure how to handle it, was it ok for me to talk to him even though it was not in his office?  I was wondering what to do and he came to me he said Stephanie what are you doing in this plane?  I answered my father had passed away and he said you can come tomorrow at my office at 2pm.  I felt instantly better, I was indeed not alone and my doctor would make it all good.  It was already all good I forgot about my family and went to see him and he was great.  It was the Tao showing me the way when I needed it dearly.  I feel so blessed.  When I told the story to my sister she was jealous she said she had no one to talk to.  Well she said her psychiatrist was too much and she did not want to go back to him.  I appreciate greatly when the Tao manifests itself in my life.  I listen carefully.  I feel so blessed.  And then there is Patrice and he came to visit me two times in Copenhagen.  We went to the restaurant and the wine was called I love you and the waiter asked him what wine he wanted and he was a bit reticent to say I love you but it was the Tao letting my know Patrice loves me.  I read the Tao a lot in 2018 every day I read Tao Te King I also read Tchouang Tseu and now their wisdom is with me. What happened is that I was open to their teaching and I found my path and I am happy.  This has meant that some new people have come in my life.  In from before, are my doctor and my friend Ramona, and new people are my priest Mikkel, Ulrik from Tai Chi and Elisabeth the Tao expert in Paris.  Patrice helped me lose weight I have lost 12 kilos I look good and I feel good.  I try to walk two hours every day.  Sometimes I go to Marmor kirken this is Mikkel’s church.  I go there and pray God during the week.  I think and be in peace.  It’s such a calming effect I love it.  I also read the bible and it says with faith we can accomplish everything.  I also go to church for studying Kierkegaard, I don’t understand all but I get something out of it.  So I have become religious and Tao is part of my life. There is also Refugium a religious place in Denmark, I have been there twice now and will go again for the end of the year.  I love it there.  We meet every morning for morning song and then there are activities or I can work and then we meet for delicious meals.  The people are nice. So this is my life I have finally found my Tao it’s not easy sometimes I doubt but I know time is the answer.  All gets resolved in time. 

It’s new year’s evening. I am off the phone with Elisabeth. 2020 has been a corona year and we did not know about that before it happened. So in the last year what i experienced was the closeness to Mikkel and Elisabeth both religious people. Patrice took a wild turn i don’t know what will happen to him in 2021 we will find out. I have had a happy 2020 despite this setback. I have the Tao with me and it makes me happy almost every day. it offers also challenges and I get sick for days and then my health comes back. Tomorrow is new year’s day I will write to the people who mean something to me and then on Monday Í meet with my priest thank god we can still meet in person. i will go to church. I still do my daily walks every day 10km every day. And Tuesday I have my new doctor and Wednesday I have the German man maybe we can sell my book to Germany. Yes in late 2020 my book was revived and I believe it was the Tao who sent me that present. So now I am full speed with my book. There has been the issue of greed. Of course I dream of being rich from my book but I also know that I would be happy with just a supplement to my income. Greed has been a problem for me and I think has been the reason for many of my problems. It is something I need to work on. Both the Tao and Mikkel my priest think so. I know they are right. I started 2021 in late 2020 now I am very busy with making my book as good as possible, It keeps me busy and hopeful. But there are challenges in my life and I am not sure how to handle them now. Being honest seems to be the obvious way and hope for the best. I brought fruitcake to Mikkel last time I think Monday I might bring brioche, Not sure yet now. The recipe is complicated takes a long time to make. So 2021 will be a year of resolution one way or the other. With my book I will see how America responds and with Patrice see what happens. What is sure is that I have settled in Denmark and will not leave Denmark. This is what 2020 taught me. Every day almost I go down the alley in the park where there is Andersen’s statue and I go down my path it helps me. To be connected to my Tao. I can’t say that 2020 has been a bad year it’s been a year of set backs maybe. Yet every day i woke up happy and the days where I was stressed I learnt from and learnt to protect myself. It means speaking up and saying this is not ok and endure the consequences. Too much in my life I have silenced myself acting as if all was well when in fact inside I knew it was not all right. My doctor said to me you have to say it’s not ok. And my doctor is gone now but he told me you know what to do you saw me and you know what I said. So now it’s up to me to honor the words of my doctor and stand my ground. It is not easy but I will do it. SO 2021 looks interesting. Reviving my book has been a present from the Tao and I feel so grateful for it. It brings me so much joy I know it’s not all greed. I love being independent and I love working on my book. You are already loved was the course I wanted to attend in Refugium but it got cancelled because of corona. Yes Mikkel said God loves me and I will take the course later then. I was looking forward to the course you are already loved. Corona has changed my life I can’t do some of the things I wanted to especially socializing. Now we have a vaccine so things will go back to normal again. So I leave 2020 with a little sadness of letting go of a year getting myself one year older time goes by too fast I have not been rich but I have been happy in 2020 and this is more important. Let 2021 be an even better year. See what happens with my book with Patrice and with my work. I know religion is well on track and I am blessed to have dear mentors and friends. Happy New Year!