Hello to 2020 with news from Copenhagen.
In the time of coronavirus my priest suggested I read the journals of Andersen twelve volumes first volume more than 500 pages. I found the books at this bookstore in downtown Copenhagen. Usually the street is very busy but with corona virus people are not going out.
HC Andersen diaries in corona virus time. Last Thursday I went to visit my priest at Marmor Kirken and he asked me how I was going to spend the time home in the corona virus pandemic. I told him I had finished the bible and thought of reading Faust. I asked him if he had a better idea and he said yes. He said read Andersen’s diaries it’s super interesting. I asked him if he knew if it was translated in English or French. He said he did not know. I meet with my priest once a month approximately and we speak Danish. But reading Andersen in Danish seemed a bit complicated. I was very happy to hear about this writing and expected a wonderful experience just like I had reading the bible. Not that I understood everything in the bible I sure didn’t but there were some haha moments I will never forget. My plan is to read the bible again in the future. So I went home and was happy. Actually I took my bike to go to Marmor and there was so much wind that I fell down and my bag was thrown on the road. It was scary. My priest told me that when it is too windy I should not ride my bike so I walked home with my bike. At home I went on Amazon and looked for the diaries. Nothing in France and nothing in the UK and USA sites. There was one hit with a bookstore in Copenhagen but the text was the original text so old Danish. I decided it was worth paying a visit to the bookstore and see what happens when I read the book. The bookstore on the phone had told me there was a press in the USA who translated the book and so I sent them an email asking for a copy. I walked to town and went to the bookstore. The books were not that big and when I read the first page Andersen was thanking God. I could tell I would enjoy his writing. I told the bookstore I was waiting for the Americans to see if I can get the books in English because it would be easier for me to read. The reason why I walk to town is because it’s corona virus time and I need to be active the gym is closed and I am home all the time all my activities have been suspended. At home I got an email from the USA they are sold out. So the next day I went to the bookstore with the aim of buying the 12 books but I had forgotten my credit card at home. So I walked home without my books. It was ok I was busy and today Monday I went to the bookstore again and bought the books. I took 5 with me and asked the sales person if can we make arrangements so I can get the rest if they close the bookstore tomorrow. She said it was not possible but that she expects the bookstore to be open tomorrow. I spoke to my mentor in Paris a woman who is a specialist in Tao/Dao and she said to collect all the remaining books tomorrow. So tomorrow I will do as she said. No need to be without my books. I don’t know yet if we have started to control the outbreak of the disease in Denmark or if we are in an exponential curve. If so said my mentor friend Elisabeth then we will be confined home being allowed only to go out for food and exercise. This corona virus thing is quite new and difficult to grasp. I see the effect in my life. I am now looking for work. My last job I was a Marketing Manager for a startup and he let me go he wants to hire me as a freelancer. I wrote to him and asked him how things are there. He has not replied yet. It would be good to work for him now. I contacted also a company I had engaged in and they had said I would hear from them last Friday and today he said the recruitment has been postponed. And I got a negative response from MSD but I applied to two jobs today one where I feel well qualified and another less. So this is my life. I spend time searching and applying for work and now every day I will read some Andersen and write my thoughts. It was Elisabeth who suggested that. My mother lives in France and France has lots more dead people from corona virus than Denmark. Patrice said Spain is hit hard. I am in Copenhagen. So I watch the news on Danish TV to see what is going on here and then on my computer I follow the news in France. Yesterday I saw the prædiken Mikkel,my priest, wrote; he put it online so we can read it. I read it three times and wrote back. It was about truth and love and how they go hand in hand and lies and hate are the opposite. I told him I try to tell the truth but sometimes I don’t tell all because I don’t think it’s necessary or because it’s too hard to tell. We will see what happens. Patrice in Ibiza was a bit down today he says he does not like Mondays. He seems to suggest that Denmark has no problems when Spain does with corona but I am not as sure as him. I hope he is right. Well the news are on: Denmark has an exponential. increase. I hope we can contain it soon. I am not sick thank god. Well I have limited contact with people my Danish class was cancelled my gym is closed my aunt in Holmegaardsparken I can’t visit her my church is closed for mass and my volunteer work at the hospital is cancelled also since hospitals are high risk places. So I am home. I am watching the news while writing and I am feeling hungry but I am on a diet trying to lose five kilos so I can make some tisane/herbal tea Mum sends me verveine and mint from her garden. But I had plenty already today. I drink lots of coffee in the first part of the day and then I switch to tisane. I am always drinking. I am tired now after the news I will go to bed. I got a negative answer from a company I had an interview with. This was a let down I thought they wanted to invite me for a second interview. No such luck. Today I went back to the bookstore to pick up the rest of the Andersen books. Talking to Elisabeth yesterday she said to get all the books because the bookstore might be asked to close, I hesitated should I bike there should I walk with my bike, should I just walk without my bike…. Then I decided to walk with my bike it was the workout I wanted and the bike has a basket so that was convenient for the books. Home I went back shopping. I went to the pharmacy to get some Zinc this is what Elisabeth recommended she also said vitamin C but I bought oranges and kiwis that should do it. At home I called my aunt Merete she was in good spirit she asked what I was doing and I did not know what to tell her and she said I was busy but did not want to tell her. She is plenty fine. I will call her again in a while. It was nice talking to her. I ate some lentils with cauliflower and mango chutney sauce. It was yummy. Now I have my coffee and I am ready to start with Andersen. Finally! So the first book is from the years 1825-1834 he was born in 1805 so his first diary from 1825 means he was 20. We don’t have anything before that. So I read the first three days it’s challenging. I miss vocabulary. He is enchanted with life and thanks God. He received a letter from a friend and was happy. He is having a hard time and talks to god about his situation it’s with his teacher I think I am not sure. It seems like Denmark has controlled the spread of the coronavirus, the number of cases does not grow exponentially anymore so that’s great news. We will find out in a couple days if the trend is real. It is now 5pm and I am having my last coffee of the day. Andersen does not know what his life is doing to him he consults God and puts his life in the hands of god in whom he trusts completely. But it’s hard for him to live his life it is full of uncertainties. I can relate. I have no job but I am optimistic that I will find soon since my CV gets interest. Our PM will talk at 7pm tonight and the queen at 8pm it is now 5:20 and I will watch the news at 6. Time flies, soon the day will be dark . I think she might say all stores need to close so I got my books just in time. So what I can understand from Andersen now is that he uses his diary as his best friend and he has God at the center of his life. We share that in common. Writing my diary confiding in my diary and having God at the center of my life is what my life is about. Today my startup said he won’t contact me now because of coronavirus we have been talking for almost a year about freelancing. Today Struers looked at my linkedin profile I hope he was impressed. He too said that the recruitment was postponed because of corona virus. CHR Hansen did not reply to me yet though. Maybe later. HC Andersen is constantly insecure and afraid it seems. He does not know what time will bring so he talks to god and asks for his help. Studies Danish French and Greek. Wow impressing. Well he visits his rector at his university I suppose and also friends he talks about how his life is better now than his barndom/childhood. I am hooked I don’t understand everything but I like it. I like to know his inner thoughts his trust in God and his description of his life. He is fragile and his trust in God is helping him get through the days and the challenges of his life. He does not explain in detail the problems or is it me who doesn’t understand. I think reading more will help understand what is going on for him. Well I finished now the first chapter when he was a student and was concerned for his grades and he had many visits and also he read a lot. He could read Latin Greek French and German I think. One funny comment is that he wanted to be a poet but he wrote prose so he was not happy and he said he had that in common with Shakespeare because Shakespeare also wanted to be a poet. He said he had tears in his eyes when he read Shakespeare wanted to be a poet. Life is so funny. Being a writer in my eyes is much better than being a poet and how he stresses over things that are insignificant. This a lesson to learn. We are the writers we are and there is no choosing. So for me it’s the same. What kind of writing comes natural to me? Writing my thoughts down I am not a fiction writer. I need to go for a walk maybe I will go back to Assistens today. And today I would like to read what is next in Andersen’s journals. His trip to Germany he said to travel is to live so this first travel will be very interesting. It’s 100 pages. Not sure how much I can digest in a day. Yesterday I took a walk in the park and took photos my mum liked them I put them on my website but there is a bug in the website and so the photos are on the home page it’s ok I thought since I talk about coronavirus it’s appropriate. Yesterday I was very happy. These are good times for sure. I spent each day reading Andersen, taking a walk and communicating with Patrice. Today I decided not to go for a walk because so many people say to stay home. Because of corona. So I posted the photo of the twelve volumes and said it was my occupation. First HC Andersen went from Germany to France in Paris precisely and he liked Paris then he went through the mountains via Switzerland to Italy. He stayed in Italy the longest. I am now reading him in Rome. He told people he would be in Rome so he can receive letters. Letters are very important to him, I am the same. I don’t get letters anymore it’s through social media or WhatsApp but each person who reaches out fills my heart with happiness. Then he said God forgive my enemies and friends. I feel the same. And then he said he was glad he was independent so he can do as he pleases and I am the same. I am in Denmark and I am independent. And finally he got out of the grip of someone I think in his family and I feel the same it took me much longer than him but I am finally free. So we share a lot in common. Finally an anecdote he said an Italian followed him in the street he wanted to get rid of him and just said he did not understand and locked his door. Right on! No need for problems. Sound move. Andersen knew a lot about art and religion it’s impressive to read how much he knows. I thought I was well read well I revise this now. It makes me want to travel to Italy and see all the art. Maybe I can do an exchange where I trade my apartment for an apartment in Rome and then go visit all the beautiful art and religious places. It’s a great idea. Jim said you get contaminated if you stay more than 2 or 3 minutes close to someone. Patrice said he does not see how I can get sick if I go for a walk and touch nothing. But yesterday Ingrid sent me a message on Facebook and also all the other posts so I decided not to go for a walk today even though it’s a beautiful day out. So I am reading Andersen. So Andersen talks about his life and the people back in Denmark and it’s problematic. He said people are evil evil! Well he has a good life and people are probably jealous. He asked god to soften the heart of the people who treat him wrong. I am happy I have friends who liked my post on facebook. It was the picture of the twelve volumes of Andersen’s diaries, and I said that in the time of coronavirus I am reading the books. So my friends have liked my post and this makes me happy! Talked to Ramona and she said it is perfectly fine for me to go on a walk every day, no problem with corona virus if I don’t touch anything and then I wash my hands with soap when I get home. Tomorrow the weather is cold three degrees I will go to Kongens Have/Royal garden after lunch. It will be a nice walk there won’t be anyone out because of the cold I am pretty sure I can take pictures. Ramona said they expect a second wave of corona virus in the fall in Denmark. She is taking her barsel/maternity leave in a month. Her surgeries have been postponed for three months because of corona virus. She said indeed the numbers are good in Denmark. It’s good to have friends who know things. So, things are good now I need to find work before the second wave of corona virus hits Denmark. Andersen received a letter he was so happy and was able to enjoy carnaval. He likes traveling but his heart is in Denmark this shows. It’s 22:32 now and I will read until the end of carnaval and also the end of Italy. When Andersen comes back to Denmark. We don’t know where he will go after Italy. It’s a surprise. It will be interesting to see how things go for him in Denmark. Andersen is so well read and has a profound culture he knows so many artists. It shows that in that time there were far more artists than now. Art was much more prevalent. He is now on his way back to Denmark. He got a stipend from the king of Denmark to travel. He has been gone a year. I talked to Mikkel today Mikkel my priest he said we can talk every week since it’s not long talks on skype. I was happy about that. Hans Jørgen called this week and suggested I watch the TV program in the morning about singing and so this is how I will try to wake up now. It’s at 9:05 on DR1. Mikkel said I can look up Domme Kirken for Easter mass. It’s live on the radio I would prefer TV but I will investigate. Mikkel said to have some bread and wine for the mass. Andersen had a bad day and was down on life. He also has a toothache but it seems the dentist doesn’t help because he did not think of going to the dentist. Wow those times were hard. Then he was impatient because he did not get letters and was therefore disappointed. But then he got letters and recognition and he was happy again. I can relate to him getting messages for me is critical. Mikkel said I was his friend. It was great. Andersen says again he is sick of his life. In Vienna at the moment, his emotional life is definitely with his letters, being abroad is work for him. To most people being a tourist is vacation to him it’s work. He visits monuments and churches, parks and places and then he meets up with local artists, the elite and people who are traveling through. He writes about his days in the diary I am reading but he has no girlfriend to share an emotional life with. He writes letters to a father/priest but does not explain what is in the letter as if the diary is not personal! He knows they will be read and does not confide. Too bad it was the most interesting. He will confide in his diary I hope. I finished the first volume. It was 1834 so he was 29 years old.
Now the second volume starts in 1836 so he is 31. Curious to see what it is about, travels again or his life in Denmark? Find out tomorrow. Now in a page he becomes very authentic. He says he does not have the money to get married and will always be alone. Is this why Mikkel has told me to read Andersen? Does he think the same of me? I don’t know. I am not against marriage and my financial situation is not in question in the matter. Do I like my freedom? Am I alone? Is it ok to be alone? Am I a writer? Well the year 1837 is done and the next year is quite short. I will read it now. It is a shock that Andersen said he would be alone his whole life. It is indeed what happened. I wonder if I have the same fate. Andersen asked God to make him a fairytale writer that will last forever and also asked for health and peace. He did not ask for love. I differ from him on that point. I would say health love and successful writer. I trade peace though peace is so important to me. But I hate the hippie in me love and peace. Of course I have Patrice in my life even tough he is far he lives in Ibiza and I am in Copenhagen we write on Whats App every day and once a week we have apero over WhatsApp. It’s great. When he sent me his first WhatsApp it was a shock. Patrice! wow! I could not believe it. It had been years many many years and we are getting to know each other now. It’s great I am happy. He is smart, good looking, warm and also interesting and he always had a special place in my heart. When i say i want love in my life it means also friendships. I develop my life with new people in my life and old friends whose companionship I highly value. Thre is Ramona my brain surgeon friend she is quite busy because she has a baby boy and now she is pregnant with her daughter so we talk on the phone and keep in touch. I have my priest now he says I am his friend. We have so much in common. I have two friends in California Jim and Thomas but Jeff is not my friend anymore he stopped writing. And Elisabeth in Paris is also my friend. I call her regularly. She is great. Back to Andersen. HC Andersens said he thought of his caring home and was sad. So he loves Denmark but I don’t get to know how life in Denmark is for him as the editors have only printed his travels it’s a bit frustrating. Well this is book 2 there are 10 books so maybe I will hear about his home. later. Elisabeth wrote back because I wished her a happy Easter. Hans Jørgen called today he said I had it good this is what Patrice said too and Mikkel and Mogens! I am lucky to have all these men in my life, makes me happy. Now I am on year 1841 it’s the beginning of the year this is why Andersen made his three wishes he is in Italy. But misses home. Why does he travel so much then? Andersen thinks about death! He has a toothache and fever and has a hard time sleeping. But death! Maybe in these times life was even more fragile than today and from a toothache you can’t help you can die? Or is he dramatic? He is not dramatic he is very sensitive yes like all artists let’s see how it develops. He will lose his tooth I think. Hopefully after he will get his health back. He is back to talking about death he said a sudden death and he knows his weaknesses I suppose being sick and not being able to go to the dentist and get his tooth fixed can make him fear for his life. He does not know how bad it can be. Wow. I am glad we have dentists now. He continues God give me a big thought or happiness else death! He said he was lonely. He does not like his life. Again today he is not well he says he believes in god but does not hope for god. He says this might be his last day what does he have? what awaits him? To me it’s because he had the wrong values he wanted more than anything to be a famous writer whose work would survive after his death. He did not wish for love. Love of God, of a partner, of friends. This is why he is so alone and feels despair. I note that each time his health fails him he is despairing and each time he receives a letter he is up again. It’s automatic but he is not aware of it at least not yet. I am surprised I did not imagine him to have this life. I expected a lonely man a bit like Kierkegaard. He is not like that at all he is very social always with people. When he is alone he despairs. I used to be like him when I was alone I despaired but then I started going to therapy and talk about my life and then I became positive and happy. I am still alone most of the time, this, therapy has not changed. And with confinement I am alone again except for me it’s not new. I have learnt to adapt to being alone and so my life is organized in such a way that I fill my days even though I am alone. By reading Andersen’s life for example. He writes about his sad abandoned night even though he had a visitor. Maybe he lived the only life he knew how to live. Writing came naturally to him and he devoted his life to his art. I am not like him the only writing I do is my journal. So, I have accepted that I need to work in a company and won’t make money with books. Sick in mind and body: he starts again. I want to die, nothing to live for, he explains. He says he can’t pray to god because he knows his wish won’t be met. He talks about his torment. So he knows that his wish won’t be met so why continue on that path? Why not settle in Denmark and write? No he wants to travel and visit and write and be famous. Then he makes self irony jokes, “anxious to go crazy” because he waits for letters that are not coming. And it depresses him. He got two letters from Copenhagen and feared they would make him feel hurt. He is impossible! What can make him happy? Or is it life? Am I happy with the emails I get the messages I get? I have chosen to keep at a distance all that hurts so I chose to be more alone for now and I develop my network slowly. After he read the two letters his mood was in bad shape. Life is not easy. He had a conversation with his friend who blamed him for being cold and then he said he was glad to spend the evening alone. Well well maybe he is like me after all. Now he sees the benefit of being alone. He has a fight with his soul to know if his existence is beneficial! He is in total existential crisis! Can he produce excellent work! He says if he can produce excellent work then the problems are worth it and that he should continue with his thoughts of amusement and deep thinking. So he is really driven to perform to the highest. And he accepts problems at the cost of producing excellence. I am not like him. I want peace in my life I don’t want to fight anymore. And my lesson now is to develop my new life. To me I think if I am a good artist or writer then my work will be recognized. I don’t’ need to work extra hard I don’t need to suffer. Writing is a source of pleasure and it helps me understand. It is a necessity in my life. I can’t live without it. Let’s keep reading it’s interesting. Mikkel was right Andersen’s diaries are very interesting. And Elisabeth was right it was a good idea to write down my thoughts on Andersen’s diaries. These two people in my life support me and encourage me. I am so blessed to have them in my life. HC Andersen wrote a satire and felt happy. Maybe reading about Andersen does not put me in the job search mode. The interview did not go well and they sent a rejection letter. Hell. but then the Managing Director just looked at my profile on Linkedin so I don’t know what will happen now. All my free time I want to read Andersen. HCR Hansen wrote they might contact me in the future. HC Andersen thanked God he was in Athens for his birthday. Strange comment. Maybe he is like me with difficulties dealing with people. Andersen is a true genius. He speaks so many languages and has such a broad culture I feel like a fraud comparing myself to him. The only thing I can say is that I think I am happier than him. The Greek dance and sing fryder eder livet er kort! Which means rejoice life is short! What an a propos for him! He says his only testicule hurts him He has only one testicule! What a surprise… Or did i understand correctly? What does that mean? We don’t know. Maybe you can very well live with just one. He cries; he cries easily. Life makes him cry of joy. He is on the boat now and not feeling well he is thinking of death and home. Truthfulness is a blissful irritant through one’s presence as one lets out a killing of one’s life force, in Danish: sandselighed er en salig pirren gennem nærverne i det man udlader en draabe af sin livskraft I don’t understand all he is writing this is an example and there are more. Not sure what to do. Maybe it’s ok not to understand all. Maybe no one understands all. If I understand enough to be interesting and have people turn the page then this is good enough. He has a strong feeling of longing in Constantinople/Istanbul. He is feeling anxious I can understand being in a new place for what reason being with new people again for what reason? It is destabilizing. It is also a time of Quarantaine as he calls it. From the pest I think. He is not hysterical over it plain reality. He is back in Copenhagen and he is thanking god for the good in his life. We are in 1842 now. He is a recognized artist. But he is suffering his body is failing him it’s because in those times the cities were not clean and they got sick all the time, rough life! He is home and he is happy it’s summer and the weather is good he is appreciated and liked by many Danes it’s a happy time in his life. 1843 he is traveling to Paris his penis is hurting him. There is no corona then but the pest. He is in Paris and had a tirade about the Danes how they hurt him and have no heart. Now Andersen is in Germany and gets lots of praise not only people know his fairytales they like them. He is happy. He thanks God for his good fortune and writes he is not worthy of it and blesses god. This is the end of the second volume.
Andersen makes the remark that every time he travels he is not well So traveling makes him sick. In his life he spends his time with people reading his fairytales this is how he entertains them and this is how he makes himself a name and a following. It is indeed work. I could not imagine myself this life. He starts mentioning Jenny Lund from Sweden she is a singer and he likes her and her music. But she does not seem to reciprocate his love. He went to visit her but she was not there. He left a note but she did not reply right away. He said he was in Berlin mostly to see her. She finally sent a letter and he said she is lovable. She gave him a xmas present said she feels at home in Germany that Sweden had nothing for her and that Andersen was a good man like a brother. He sends her a letter and goes to her but she was working and now he is anxiously waiting for her letter. What was abstract angst in his young adult life has become angst over her. He went to visit her on the 31st and then he was happy he thanked god for the good year and hoped for more. It’s the end of the year. January first he writes in his diary that God’s will is the best. I am going out in the world let God’s will prevail he says. He thanks God for all the good. He mentions Jenny and then jumps to say he is not quite happy he has anxiety with an underlining feeling that everything seems empty. Has it to do with Jenny? That life with her gives meaning and happiness and when she is not in his life he just misses her! Jenny visits him she is glad to see him he says and brought him her portrait. He went to visit Jenny she was singing with another and he said the other singer was not so good. Now it’s evening and he is busy with his guests and Jenny sat alone. She is down. She looks at Andersen and does not look away. Then he talks to her a little. The company he is with said they have all talked to Jenny about him. He was happy. He went home tired. Next day he visits Jenny with a friend she had a headache. He walked with her in the park for 90 minutes. That evening he went to see her sing. It seems things are going well between them now but we know it did not develop. Next day he visits her again with two other people. She was pleased. Next day his friend takes him and others to where Jenny was singing six songs and a psaulm which affected him profoundly. A woman held Jenny and she broke down crying. He went that evening to a theater Jenny was there she was matchless he said. Next day again with Jenny. They spend the whole day together with others he keeps his social life the same she is just joining his life. He read polichinel and Jenny cried. Then she sang. He goes home sick. His friend Beaulieu said he was on his way to love Jenny. Andersen replied no. Beaulieu told him his love life Andersen thought of his own and cried. Next day he goes to Jenny with Beaulieu. He follows Jenny in the theater. I think his companions asked if there was something between Jenny and him but he said no. one man kisses Jenny’s hand and then holds her hand. Then concert in the evening with Jenny. Then she will travel there are many people with her she asks Andersen and Beaulieu for tea. She was nice to him. She said she does not know when they will meet again but she hopes they are in her life always. Andersen and Beaulieu talked about Jenny for a long time. He said he was suffering so Beaulieu told him to cry. Next day he visits a man who spoke of Jenny to him and said he wants Jenny to be living with him. Next day, the same man asks him to visit and write about Jenny but Andersen is not happy. Beaulieu is a friend he tries to help him with his contract. He visits people and one cries saying they are friends for life and then Beaulieu leaves and they both cry. He says he feels so alone in the world. He went to a reception at night and the Germans said that with Andersen and Jenny Scandinavia had what Germany was lacking. He starts traveling in Germany and writes to Jenny. He gets a letter from Collin who was critical of him and one from Beaulieu where he says nothing but no letter from Jenny. Collin criticizes Andersen telling him he lives an empty life. Andersen went to hear a woman sing but he says Jenny’s voice is better. Andersen was concerned by Collin’s remark on his empty life but he kept on the same life because this is the only life for him. We don’t’ know what he replies to Collins. We don’t know if Jenny replied to his letter he wrote her another letter. He is in Vienna and then on his way again to Italy. He is now in Italy and is so happy he says God bless me! He is in Rome and feels super happy he says he enjoys every bit of it and thanks god. Good to hear. Today he says he is bored. So you can imagine it is also boring to read him, but hopefully that will pass soon. He wrote to Jenny and asked her if they can meet in Switzerland. He is now in Provence. Then he is in London he says that the English are very polite and have good taste. He meets Jenny in London. He meets Dickens and has a tear in his eyes when they talk. Andersen does not speak English well at all. Dickens invites him on the first of August. He says he is bored in the UK well he does not speak the language so it’s a bit boring now. He wants to travel further. He saw Jenny a few times but does not elaborate. He says he has Jenny’s name always on his lips but then he does not call her Jenny but by her full name Jenny Lind. Maybe it was the times. In the streets of London portraits of Jenny and Andersen next to each other. Though the English say Jenny has a lot of opponents. Jenny is really well known in England. He is now in Scottland wrote a letter to Jenny among others. Rumor says Jenny is married to Daqain, he comments this is talk. He does not want to travel anymore he wants to write. He left England. He is a lot more self-assured as an adult. He is famous many people have made his portrait and people recognize him wherever he goes. He barely mentions God anymore. He spends his time visiting places and describing them. He goes walking every day an activity I share with him. He meets people goes places he is invited to people’s place. Me I am alone I only communicate with telephone or social media and emails. Patrice said Andersen was very good at marketing that Andersen knew how to make himself known outside of Denmark. True enough. Now I will start with 1849 a trip to Sweden we don’t know if Jenny is the motivation. I will let you know. But for sure when he came back from Scotland to Germany he felt at home in Germany and a stranger in Scotland and England the fact he does not speak the language of course is problematic. He speaks some I would say. He is in Sweden and in the theater where Jenny started he says something about mulatto. Was she mixed blood? That seems very unlikely! He speaks to a family relative of Jenny who said about Jenny she wanted to get married because she was lonely but then realizing there are problems with marriage she decided against. He sent a visitation card to jenny in Paris. At a reception in Sweden there was a talk about Danes and Swedes and how they should know each other more and Andersen had tears in his eyes. He feels close to Sweden for sure. He feels at home in Sweden one sign is that he writes there. He meets with the King of Sweden and here he becomes a diplomat he has to account for his country and talk of friendship between the two countries. He does so well. It’s a time of war. He visited the room Jenny stays at when in Stockholm. He says he loves Sweden and the Swedish people. He speaks with a Swede who mentions Jenny and her possibility of having a child, not sure if she wanted that or if she thought it would be a problem. He is with Swedes who tell their fondness for Denmark and Andersen is in tears. Andersen loves Sweden and Sweden loves Andersen. He thanks god for loving him. It is now 1850 he just wrote a poem to jenny. Letter to Jenny was returned to him she left Stockholm so he sent a letter to Germany asking to deposit the letter to Jenny. I suppose he supposes she is in Germany. He is in bed and feels lonesome and thinks that those who are married are lucky. It’s war time with Germany he cries and then wishes for peace and calm. He gets five letters and feels in a poetic happy mood. End of book 3. If I compare with my life Patrice is in my life though we don’t write as often as before and we talk less too. He is busy with his life he has work and two children he takes care of every other week. It was the new love when I wrote about him before now it’s settling into a more normal life. Today it was raining I went briefly out and then i waited for the rain to end and went to the park. So even if it rains i take my walks. It will be rain tomorrow Friday and the weekend and the temperature has dropped tomorrow it’s the first of May. In my CV I put in the personal section that I write here and put the link.
So Ulrik is standing to my right he is an expert and Jura is to my left. Ulrik recommended a book when i told him there were some verses in the Tao i don’t understand he said read The Philosophy of the Daodejing by Hans Georg Moeller. I am now reading it on my Kindle. It reminds me what my priest told two days ago he said maybe you need to take a break from HC Andersen and it’s good to read in your own language. Well i have not read Andersen in a week and yes maybe i need a pause. And Tao well it’s in English and not French but i am so used to reading in English it’s almost my mother language. In the Tao it says do your work and then let it be. I sent this project to Gyldendal and i have no reply. My priest also said that I was like him I have many projects at the same time and they will not all materialize so ok this blog is for me and for those who think it’s interesting. I will let go. “retire when the work is done this is the way of heaven” says the Tao. For the moment I write. The work is not done. There was an article in the NYT about Denmark and it got me excited that my book on the Danes could be relevant now. I finished the book the Philosophy of the Daodejing and in there it says that there is the female and the male the open and the hidden and i wonder if my role in the world is not hidden like the root in the soil. Branches flourish from the root but the root is never seen it is deep in the soil. It is there always while the leaves and flowers do not last. I have often felt that i was inspirational to others and was frustrated that they were in the spotlight and me i was hidden. but maybe this is my Tao this is my fate I am a muse. And so my book on Denmark and my project here will have the purpose to inspire artists and this is what i need to accept. This is a happy period in my life, I am blessed with quality people and feel their love and protection,
I put this image of the gate on the tao facebook page and one person replied that to always follow the path of least resistance of least friction. It reminded me the laws of science where the lower energy state is always preferred. It was good advice. Then yesterday we had the Tao Copenhagen meeting again and I shared some experiences with Ulrik. He recommended I read the philosophy of the Daodejung because it helps explain obscure text in the Tao Te King. I told him what resonated with me the most was the image of the root. Being hidden and a source of energy and inspiration. That it makes me angry that others take from me. He asked me what I wanted and said it’s not good to be angry so I should avoid these happenings. Well thank you Ulrik because this is what I thought too. We walked in Frederiksberg park and then we started some Tai Chi. Just five minutes. He put on some beautiful Chinese music and he showed me the moves. After that he left and I went on a long walk in the park and when I got home again i had a massive headache. I tried to rest and i wrote to the tao group a big thank you for the day. Ulrik wrote back to me privately about the root. I think he is right my roots are weak. We will meet again Monday at noon for a Tai Chi lesson. I told him to bring his tea I will bring coffee and rolls. So we can talk after Tai Chi. Since it’s body and mind we need to do both. I will make brioche for him. Today i went to Noma to try their vegetarian burger. I waited in line it rained hard for a while then it cleared up. The burger was tasty for sure. Here is what it looks like.
Yesterday Monday i had my Tai Chi lesson with Ulrik in the park. I tried to make the rolls but i was out of time. I did not know if it was ok to buy rolls at the bakery but then i decided to do it. To me it’s very important to share food and drink with Tao and Tai Chi. We found a place in the park and he put on his music and we made the moves. People walking by saw us and smiled i did not mind at all. After we were done Ulrik said i had a good understanding of my body and i told him it was dance and he said yes and then i said also maybe yoga but he did not comment. He asked about my anger management and i said i have a calm personality even when angry and then he said the major thing for me then was to believe in myself. He said now Patrice and i found each other. He said to do Tai Chi every day. At home i felt like doing my danish homework which i have been procrastinating about for weeks and also i went to the shoe repair store for my tennis. It was amazing to see i did these two things and i thank the Tai Chi for that. today i did the ten minutes of Tai Chi from youtube. Yesterday at home when i got back from Tai Chi i baked my rolls and the yeast did not raise the roll so it was more like a scone. it was good warm from the oven and i ate four! I was so full i did not eat for the rest of the day and today i skipped breakfast. I ate lunch and still felt overfed. I don’t know if it’s the Tai Chi that opened my appetite or just the baking goods. I am taking a break from Andersen as you can see. The new thing is Tai Chi and also my Tao in Copenhagen group. We meet every saturday at my place and we eat drink and talk then go for a walk. But this Saturday everyone cancelled so I went for a walk at Assistens.
The Tao is the path. So there is a direction it’s not the direction we might choose for example I wanted to be rich and famous and the Tao has taught me that my goal was not my destiny. So I let go of my goal and searched for my path. I let go of my dream and focused on what my true self wanted. And what my true self wanted was love. And the Tao sent me my love. So I am completely happy. Elisabeth said that it is when we are on our path that we meet others and that the others will change us because they are in our lives. I mentioned before that I found the entrance to my gate and that when I looked at a distance down my path there was the statue of Andersen, so maybe with my love in my life I can also continue with my writing and found my purpose and happiness. The goal now is to stay on my path and not let destruction come and destroy my path. In the past I felt destruction but it was also because I held the thought that I was in charge that I would become rich and famous and that I decided on my path. Tao has taught me to reexamine my values and to float like a boat on the ocean with the waves going up and down and my boat is now on its way in the ocean, there is a direction though I don’t hold the wheel completely the Tao decides if my direction is good if my maneuvers are sound. I am in close communication with the Tao.
May 1854 Andersen is born in April 1805 so he is 49 years old. He is in Vienna and meets Jenny Lind who is with her man! So the romance is over for Andersen he does not mention anything but the facts on their meeting he went to see her sing. She has a son he says he is somewhat fat and has his father’s eyes. No feelings expressed. He is traveling when he does not like a situation he keeps traveling to the next destination. Here he is in Germany and meeting with Russian royalty who kissed him on the cheek and he had tears in his eyes he explained: him, the poor son of a shoe repair man and a woman who washed clothes for a living, was kissed by royalty that put tears in his eyes. He says he wants to go back to Copenhagen so maybe Copenhagen is a good time and his work is traveling like i said before. He is quite anxious and his health is poor. He is not happy go lucky for sure. He gets lots of approval and positive feelings from his readers and from people he meets traveling. In general they don’t recognize him but they say they only know of one from Denmark and it’s Andersen and when he says that’s him they are happy and so is Andersen. I can see how addictive that can be for him, to have that praise and recognition. He is now in England and a man called him all children’s father. That was a nice compliment for him. He visits Dickens who is so happy to have him and they go visit a place where Jenny Lind had lived he had tears in his eyes. this sounds real. He is in England and overall happy he thanks God. Said once he was lonely though. So yes it’s the cholera people dying this is why he thinks of disease and death. But now he feels good and says he feels like he will never die! I can relate to him when he is in London and not mastering the language. There is a culture barrier but he still enjoyed his stay with Dickens very much. He writes to him but has someone translate his letters in English. So far he has traveled with three people and all three have been unhappy with traveling with him. It is now 1860 and he is in Switzerland. He has good days where he receives many letters and thanks God and then one day where he is not well and asks why. I wished he wrote more but that was the end of his thought. The next day he writes he wants to go home. So he wrote a letter to Denmark saying so. So that was the conclusion of his thought, go home. He says he is waiting for the advice of the Dane he sent the letter to. Then the next day he says again he wants to go home and in the same sentence he says he does not want to go home. He questions his mind he thinks he is sick or weak minded. I think it’s his life on the road all the time. He says now he is tired of everything and then that he knows not to expect to have it good all days he knows that and talks to God in this manner. He continues noone knows from hour to hour his fate. He says his mind is sick and asked mercy from God. He says he wants to overcome the spiritual nightmare he suffers from. He confides that the wish to die comes often to him. He prays to God. Next day he said it is as if God heard his prayer and his heavy mood evaporated. then he says he is very well. He speaks now of visiting Turin and Paris. So Andersen’s Tao his way his path, is to travel. He wants to travel and asked God for help. And because God is so loving God gave him the travel he wanted. Andersen’s life was to travel and with the help of God he was successful. He starts again with death thoughts and says he is a sinner. So the Tao the path the way is not straight we are disturbed by side roads and it is important to stay on our path and not be discouraged. He has the tendency to want to go home and then he says no and continues on his path traveling and reading his fairy tales to his audiences. He is hard on himself he tells god he is a weak and vain man. He is now in Odense and says he is alone in his childhood city and when he is traveling he is surrounded with people. He is not well wishes to die and then to live, has no desire to be in Denmark, his home, and knows he is not feeling happy here. what awaits him he asks. why did he come home he wonders. next day he says he still has no desire to be home. he says his mind is like the grey weather without a sunshine. he says it’s useless to pray God does not change things. Well God helped him on his path and the hard part for him is to go home. God does not make the way perfect he just has to minimize being home if it is so hurtful and his tao is to travel. No need to suffer home. he says he is home and lost. He adds he went into his usual bad mood god less and went to bed. It’s December he is in Copenhagen and says the good that i want i don’t do and the bad which i don’t want i do. He continues no future i am expecting to like. He says a letter he received from a danish woman made him think again about his bad humor and his lack of faith in God.
He starts the new year in Copenhagen he is sick his teeth and his throat and lips hurt and he is cold. He said somewhat sad. He confides “save me”. the king wants to see him so he goes they talk of their toothache and the king suggests a drink and drops for the pain. He has the same life in Copenhagen as when he travels. Visits people, writes letters, reads his fairy tales, receives letters and writes. It is not clear why he does not like to be home. Maybe the weather? Henry Miller said that writing should be a bit boring to read. Well in fact it’s true Andersen’s diaries repeat itself he describes his days which resemble one another. But at the same time there is enough insight that it is interesting. so it is both it’s curiosity to know what he will confide next and helping me understand him and at the same time it’s a lot of descriptions which mean less to me since i don’t know who he is talking about. Only when he was in Paris did i recognize all the names because it was all the writers and poets of the nineteenth century in France. So then it was not boring it was great. I suppose the more general knowledge one has the more one can appreciate his diaries. He visits again the King who asks him where his inspiration comes from. The King likes his writing a lot. In general he does not sleep well. He decides to drink beer instead of tea at night. Then in the morning his stomach is not happy so he says it’s the beer. He is in bad humor for days so he decides to travel and asks Jonas to come with him. he broke his front tooth. and his artificial tooth is loose. he is not feeling well.
Back to Andersen. So when he is in Copenhagen he has no apartment where he lives he is staying in hotels. I wonder how that feels to be always on the road with no place to call home. He visits the old Collin who is not happy with Andersen and Andersen concludes by saying there is not much love there. I think this is what he does not like with Denmark Danes are critical of him and him he needs to be loved and being praised all the time, it is as if it was necessary for his well being. He has another conversation with Danes and it makes him feel bad. But for his defense maybe the Danes are not nice to him. One who is drunk tells him you must die so i can die which makes no sense to me but then if he was drunk maybe it makes no sense. So i was wondering why the editors only kept his travels but now we know how life is for him in Denmark. I think he had the urge to travel and see a different place when he is bored he leaves and when he comes to a new place people are happy to see him this is what he likes. It was his birthday and how many people in his life celebrating his birthday. He made no special comment to say he was happy for all the attention as if it was the most normal thing, He just said he had a bad stomach. He left Denmark to go to Italy with Jonas Collin. The Collin family has been in Andersen’s life since he started. Jonas is a young man. It is Jonas’s birthday and Andersen gives him a portrait of him. Andersen seems happy. He sends a letter to Jette Collin with words from Jonas. Jonas tells Andersen not to be anxious for Jonas that he knows how to go on his life and so Andersen said he was moved and understood. I can tell Andersen is not young anymore he goes to bed earlier. He says he is in a bad mood and Jonas is out and about. Maybe he had hoped Jonas would have taken him away from his sadness but Jonas is young and wants to explore the world. They are in Switzerland now. Jonas is reading Søren Kierkegaard and I have been wondering why Andersen does not talk about him. It’s not in the diaries or at least the editors have not included it in their edition. All Andersen says is that Jonas has forgotten his Søren Kierkegaard. I know they met i wished i knew how it went. Jonas tells Andersen he is 21 and not 14 and he is an adult. They are now in Italy after having gone through France and they go to the theater to a ballet and Andersen describes the whole thing and ends that Jonas came home with a headache! They are in Italy and a man talks to him about his writing and Andersen says the man did not understand him and that he hates Andersen. He was cool for Jonas’s sake. The man came back the next day and said they should not be on bad terms. Andersen commented “uhyggeligt”. Another fight with Jonas who accuses him of being egotistical and Andersen goes to bed with a tear in his eyes. He said he was in Rome for Jonas. They talk about Jesus as God and as a person. Jonas stays in the hotel one day all day and that night he sleeps poorly Andersen goes to him and Jonas said he dreamed his father was killed.
Andersen and Jonas travel together and now Andersen enjoys Jonas’s company. It took some adjustments but it seems they get along now. Andersen says that Jonas is not interested in pleasing Andersen and I think it’s because he is 21! Jonas is true to himself. Andersen says Jonas becomes grumpy when something does not go according to his wish. Andersen gets inspired to write when traveling.
Day two at Refugium. reflexion and peace.
Andersen tells Jonas he can call him “Du” which is the informal you in Danish and Jonas agreed took his hand and said thank you and Andersen had tears in his eyes. Jonas kissed him on his forehead and Andersen felt so happy. Then it is the end of their travel and Jonas goes home. When Andersen visits Jonas’s home he says Jonas is not warm and he is not surprised. Now Andersen is in Copenhagen and wonders what is in store for him home. He wishes for good he said. Andersen says he never sees Jonas that Jonas has no sympathy for him he is mad at Jonas. Then another day he is happy with Jonas. He is quite a nervous person and has a hard time. He says he feels alone. He says mood up and down he feels terribly alone. He reads to his public and is appreciated and feels good. He visits the royals also. He visits a Dane and tells him of his erotic times. This is not in his diaries. Is it him that edited it and did not tell or was it the editors of the diaries. we don’t know. We will never know. It’s now his birthday and he is loved and thankful for all. Jonas comes to visit him and he spends dinner at Jonas’s parents place. It’s Jonas’s birthday Andersen was invited and Jonas’s mother said Andersen was Jonas’s brotherly friend. It is June 1862 and he is traveling again. As soon as he leaves Copenhagen he notices that he feels better, in Copenhagen he feels unrest. He compares the lively and festive life in Copenhagen and his lonely life now that he has left Copenhagen. He exchanges letters with Jonas. Buys him a ticket. He says he thinks his life will end. Has health problems. Trip to Spain with Jonas. He had stayed at Hotel d’Angleterre in Copenhagen six days and was sick of Copenhagen he says.
My days at Refugium go by fast. In the morning songs in the church then back to my room and then lunch walk in the forest and then evening song in the church and dinner. Here are some photos.
Andersen travels to Spain with Jonas. Jonas tells him they are different and don’t think the same. Andersen says he feels Jonas is like a brother. They are on a boat and Andersen can not sleep and Jonas is not around, Andersen walks on the deck but can’t find Jonas he is afraid Jonas fell off board!!!! funny…. Now Andersen reads Kierkegaard’s concept of anxiety where Kierkegaard says God does not understand genius and Andersen is shocked. He says it’s not christian to talk this way and Jonas answers that Christianity and God are two different things.
I have not been to church in three weeks I will go this Sunday. Patrice and I are not on speaking terms for the moment not sure if it’s permanent or just a period. I am well anyways. I have decided to take it one day at a time and not do anything radical. let the mud settle and see what i can envision for the future. I wrote to him that I wanted to talk but he has not replied so there is nothing more I can do. I know time will tell what happens next and in the meantime as it is uncertain times what I have decided is to focus my free time on reading Andersen I am almost done with the fifth volume he is now in France. And post my comments here on both him and my life here in Copenhagen. Andersen writes for the first time that he might not travel abroad anymore he will stay in Denmark. He also mentions regularly being anxious. I am the same way sometimes I have thoughts that it’s all wrong and my life is stressful and I start to sweat and I don’t know if it is the menopause or my anxiety. Andersen mentions Jonas again and is sad by the state of things between the two he speaks to two different persons about Jonas and then he feels better he understands I think that Jonas was plain jealous of him. he no longer suffers because of Jonas but mentions being lonely. He finishes the year on a grim note to God. this concludes the fifth volume, I am half way done. In volume six Denmark is at war with Germany and Andersen is afraid for Viggo who is at the front. Jonas tells Andersen he has no reason to be afraid, that Viggo is not his son. Andersen sees Jonas as a selfish man and does not care for him. Andersen feels alone and sometimes wishes for his life to end but i think he is being dramatic. today i went to see Mogens and he said that i was an optimist and that things would work out for me. I was so happy. I told him about Patrice but he was not surprised i think nothing surprises Mogens he knows it all about life. And he understands me. I am blessed that he is in my life. So next is Mikkel Monday. It will be good to talk to him. Hear his advice.
It is war time with Germany and Andersen hates it. He has a hard time he says he thinks his star is down that unhappiness and death are coming his way. He feels there is no god and thus unhappy. So he is a bit dramatic. it’s 1864 so he is 59 years old. He feels abandoned. He is sick this is why his thinking was so down. He feels better and says he is well in spirit and thankful. In those times when you got sick you could easily die and he gets sick easily I think it’s because they did not have good hygiene and clean water and he traveled to different places some of them might be full of bacteria and virus it’s not like he lived at home and had a clean home. It was good to see he feels well again. He feels sad does not know what the future will bring him and asks what he can expect from God. He says there is something wrong in his soul. Don’t we all have something wrong in our souls. We want a good life and complain when life is difficult as if it was a given we should have an easy life. His life traveling is taking a toll on him as he ages this is what is happening i think. He is alone feels alone even though he knows many people but he has no close relationship really. He was told he lived an empty life but it was the life he chose. Now he is paying for it. But he does not see it like that. He just feels down. Then he feels sad and alone and says he will never enjoy life anymore. But we know he will he needs to have close relationships and he will be ok. And this is exactly what happened he spent time with people and he said he had a wonderful evening like the last three or four days. I am happy for him. I hope he remembers that when the dark thoughts come to him. He visits his friends and Jonas is the son of the family. Andersen says Jonas is a weird person. He wasted himself on Jonas. He needs to find a woman he can love else a friend. No need being sorry for Jonas.
Today I walked to church and I came early as usual trying to put myself in a mental state where I could be open. And it came to me! The prædiken/sermon/priest’s speech helped me! it talked directly to me basically it said that if you have your house built on solid grounds and not sand then you can weather the storm. And this is exactly how i feel. Then we sang and it was the same message so i sang with my whole heart.
De er i Herrens Hånd! Lad bølgerne kun bruse, de er i Herrens bånd! Hvad fast er bygt på klippe ej vakle kan og glippe, al verden skal forgå, Gud! dit hus skal stå.
He says he is angry at so many people, so this is the root of his unhappiness. He says after that
only accident distress, violation, forgetfulness and death are to come. He is not a happy person. As he ages he becomes worse it seems and also his health deteriorates which makes him feel negative thoughts. He says he has not enjoyed life and that he has not been able to enjoy the fruits God sent him that his happiness is over that he has lost many friends due to the war and that death awaits him. He feels older. We can say he does not age well. I was wondering what his life was like in Denmark now I know. He visits many people goes to the theater a lot almost every night. Writes and takes care of his business but there is no special someone in his life. this is the problem and also that he is angry at many people this is killing him inside. ok he is talking more positive now. He said this year has been very difficult for him I think because of Jonas and the war and he hopes next year will be better. So he is not completely depressed. It’s the first of January 1865 he prays to God and asks God to give him faith because with faith he says comes peace and happiness. I love it. Good start of the year. Today the good start of the day is that Patrice’s father called me Patrice will call me. Super news! i am so excited. en route to my aunt now. Patrice did not call me for my birthday because i think he was not doing well. He reminds me of my family. They too sometimes don’t celebrate my birthday. Well Patrice has problems now but i suppose he was not in a festive mood to celebrate my birthday. I am doing well I am strong and Patrice’s father said today when he talked to Patrice on the phone all that Patrice did was talk about me. This made me happy. Andersen lost his apartment in Nyhavn. He now lives at Hotel d’Angleterre and he complains it’s expensive and feels alone. He took a trip to Sweden. He then feels more at ease in the hotel but then starts again at saying this is his last year to live.
Today I read the first 70 pages of volume VII Andersen is in Holland and is well treated. He then moves on to Paris. Tonight I went to a concert at Marmor church there were 12 pieces each short harp and two singers. What I liked most was Ave Maria by Shubert. As I walked back I felt like Andersen who is always attending cultural events at night. Took this picture of Copenhagen on my way back home.
I think of Tom Waits song You Got To Hold On and I think of Mogens who said to me you are an optimist so things will work out for you. Today the recruiter said the company did not want to move forward with me because they want a Danish native. We wait for the next opportunity. And i continue with my thoughts it is what the Tao says are you patient enough for the mud to settle and the water is clear? so it’s about waiting for the water to be clear again and in the mean time it’s Tom Waits saying indeed You Got to Hold On. Maybe it is time to agree with Mikkel when he says he thinks Andersen was a genius. Indeed in his life he met so many people he visited so many places and he wrote so much. He is very impressive. Today I went to visit Mikkel, we spoke of Patrice and he gave me an appointment again next Friday. Then I called Elisabeth and discussed Patrice with her. She said it’s a crisis now and asked if i was still reading and writing. I said yes that i am halfway in volume 7 of Andersen. She said it was fine for me to call her and we talk shortly. I thanked her. Andersen is back home. on his way back on the boat he got scared to die on the boat. but he made it no problem. He finished the year uneventfully he was not dramatic did not even mention the past year or new year’s resolution. He was quiet. Maybe he realized he was wrong last year to be so dramatic. Best to say nothing. So now the second half of the volume focuses on 1867 see what happens that year. He went out of town for xmas and new year. Mikkel was in my dream. I woke up and then i walked to church. Mikkel said tro, håb, kærlighed which means faith, hope and love. It is super warm now it’s been this way for a while now. i sweat much. and become anxious. i walked two hours one hour each way i went there thirty minutes early trying to be open to God because God is the answer. and has the answer. So I walk firmly knowing my trust in God gives me the optimism Mogens said would make things work out for me. i feel a bit tired i need to rest a bit then I will read. I brought home the song Herren er min hyrde I will translate now to understand all. It’s good God is my shepard he shows me the way. Great. This is what I needed now. Andersen is about to travel to Paris he has a pain in his chest I wonder if it is not cancer. He complains regularly. He ends the August month with a fear of death, a well known fear of his. He finishes the year happy thanking god for all the honors he received in the past year.
Andersen will be 63 years old this year. He complains about being tired more often now. Well it’s the beginning of January and the weather is cold so he does not walk so he has less energy. He buys lottery ticket hoping to get rich. It seems he should have plenty of money since he is so well read all over Europe and also the USA. It’s surprising he never went to the USA he was invited but he never made it. He was European. If he had gone to the USA he would be rich. But he does not understand that instead he buys his lottery tickets. On January first Andersen reflects on the past year and thinks about the coming year in an optimistic way. He hopes for a good year. Then into March he is positive and says he thinks good things are happening for him. It’s good to see him being an optimist. It’s the second of April it’s his birthday and he says God amazes him he got so many presents and visitors this day he was more than happy. On his way back to Denmark he hurt himself in a hotel there was a box in the stairway but with no light he did not see it. He hurt himself. Then the doctor came and said to be still but this Andersen is incapable of doing. So it’s been nearly three weeks now he is back in Copenhagen but his leg still hurts. This shows his inability to be still. Every year when it is the day he first came to Copenhagen he thanks God for his good fortune. So he is sometimes complaining but really he knows how lucky he is. What has changed in his life is that people come and visit him in his home he is not the one always visiting people. The end of the year finds him well he thanks God for the good year and is glad for the new year coming. It’s the 5th of January and there is a huge celebration and the King asks Andersen if he will travel to America. I don’t know why Andersen is not interested he did not mention in his diary what his answer to the King was. Read on maybe he will go to America. We don’t know yet. In the next couple days he mentions he was invited to America but does not say he has accepted the invitation. Maybe he thinks it’s too far. and also he is anxious when he travels he is afraid of accidents and dying. Maybe the trip to America is too far for him. He got a letter from America with money in it. For sure he is not going. He writes today snow but just like powdered sugar on a pancake! It’s February and he says it’s nice weather. The winter does not bring him down. He is out in the wind and rain and likes the weather. He gets sick sometimes and says he is tired. He hates gossip I am just like him. We have this in common. What surprises me always with Andersen is that he calls home wherever he sleeps. So if it is one night in a hotel it is still home for him. This shows his home was superficial and his real home is Denmark. But even in Denmark he was from Odense and then moved to Copenhagen but did not have a stable home in Copenhagen sometimes he sleeps at Hotel d’Angleterre. I don’t know how he can live like that I could not. He has anxiety attacks sometimes and that does not surprise me at all. So the big news is that Jonas meets Andersen in France. He wants to travel with Andersen. He has become mature and does not cause friction. Andersen is happy but also anxious when Jonas goes out at night he is afraid and also he doesn’t go out himself so much anymore. He is not as young as before. He has less energy but it’s good to hear that Jonas is with him and that it goes well. Jonas offers Andersen a pipe which Andersen was very happy for since he said he knows Jonas has little money they talk and Andersen says Jonas is brave and honorable. Back in Copenhagen a man talks to him about Jonas and says that to keep the friendship going Andersen has to invite Jonas to travel to Italy. I think this is really nasty i don’t like the mentality. I think Jonas would be happy to travel to Italy but that it’s not a must. I think Jonas is a good man and not someone who uses Andersen. But Andersen agrees with the man so that makes me sad that Andersen does not think he is a likable person travel or no travel. Andersen says he worries about Jonas’s future. It’s the second of April, his birthday he receives many gifts and many visitors. He is loved. It is now May he is still in Copenhagen he makes a comment that his diary is bland that he does not tell what is going on and that Shakespeare said there is something rotten in the kingdom of Denmark and Andersen says there is something rotten in the world. And apparently he does not want to share with his diary with his readers. It’s now August the end of the summer he speaks of Jonas and says he is not happy with him Jonas wrote him an arrogant letter. He speaks of death. He spends his evenings now home writing. He does not visit theaters or concerts anymore. He says he is old and tired. 1870 war. he is depressed has no desire all looks dark he said he feels lonely and bored. it’s september. So he speaks to a Dane for an hour and they both know Jonas and talk about Jonas but he does not tell him what he said in his diary he said Jonas was a friend. Small world can’t have problems. Andersen is definitely a diplomat. It’s Thorvaldsen and him. Andersen worries that Thorvaldsen will be remembered after his death but that him people will forget him. He says he will not last after his death and is mad. It’s November . He says that if he was rich he would stop writing. Jonas is his godson! He gets good reviews and feels better. He still goes to the theater at night but not as often. He chose to spend xmas and new year later in the evening alone in his place. He says thank you to God for the riches and the new fairytale but then it was sarcastic because he ends the year saying it was a terrible year.
I reflected on Andersen’s last comment for 1870. He is bitter and angry. Life has sent him so many good things and he is not appreciative for all the good in his life. He thought he would be forgotten after his death which is not the case he was negative. Because he was not appreciative for what i would say was God’s gift to him then it is not surprising that in return God does not grant him happiness. He needs to show some appreciation. I do. I appreciate all God has done for me. I have quality people in my life quality relationships i am thankful for. Andersen says he is mentally sick. He wants to go to a doctor but does not know what doctor to go to. He is pessimistic about his future and imagines dark things. His mind is negative. His body is also failing him he says it hurts. He still is quite social and active since January he is in Copenhagen now it’s March and he is still there. He buys tickets to the lottery hoping to win so he won’t have to write for a living anymore but he has realized he will not win the lottery now.
It’s his birthday again and he thanks God for all the good in his life in this time of war. He turned 66 and received many many flowers for his birthday. the next day he receives more telegrams and flowers that should have come the day before so it means his birthday was celebrated over two days. He says he thinks of death. he says his body is failing him he won’t live long. he is also bored in his life. He was in his apartment 8 months and now he is back at Hotel d’Angleterre and says it makes him feel younger. Apparently having his own apartment does not go well with him. The stability of a home he does not know. He likes to live in hotels. Very strange if you ask me. It’s now July the good weather and Andersen has his normal life of visiting people and sending letters. He said he will die soon and has no desire to do anything. But then I am sure his life will take over and his depressing thoughts are only here and there. They are not all the time this is for sure. It is now October he came back from his trip to Norway which went well. He read his new tale to a few friends and they were not impressed and this made him leave and go back to his room and feel depressed. He now talks of his strong faith in God and how thankful he is this is a bit in contradiction with his diary where he complains a lot but maybe he is really thankful because he does have a life like no other. It’s now November he moves to an address in Nyhavn. He is invited to go to America cost of travel and living there all paid for it will take 8 months in all. He said he was tempted but then does not do it by fear of his health. He receives a letter from Jenny Lind of twenty pages he said it’s the first time in twenty years he received a letter from her. She is married and has a daughter. Andersen shared the letter with someone but he did not say if he wrote back I am pretty sure he did. So he wrote to Jenny I was right about that. He spends christmas alone and also new year he went home. He thanks god for the good year but says he will be 67 soon he feels old and his outlook on life has changed he is not fighting he lives and thinks the end is near. He is accepting of his life and thankful. He has changed his outlook. Now everything is in perspective that he will not live long. This is why he did not go to America even though he wanted to. It’s a bit sad. It’s now January and he learns that his name was mentioned as one of two important people of Denmark for the English children to know. He said he had tears in his eyes when he saw that and then in Germany his name was favored over Grimm for some years and there he thanks God and is super happy. Andersen is really a writer what makes him happy is to be recognized as a writer and what makes him depress is when he is not. He says it’s a blissful day and loves life and is thankful to God. then he has a bad day he says he feels depressed and tired, sitting at home. better days he will not have anymore. age, weakness and death are awaiting him! He says that he has a feeling that his body is decaying while his mind and thoughts are young. He is afraid of being sick goes to the doctor but the doctor says he is fine. He might be a bit of a hypochondriac. for sure he is plenty nervous. It’s end of March and he is planning his next trip. He asks Jonas if he wants to travel with him and Jonas says no. He starts July saying he is dissatisfied with himself. It’s the first sentence. He said his youthful mind has evaporated that he is irritable, unsatisfied and lazy. It’s true that he gets upset easily for example at the hotels he stays at he is not happy with the accommodations and the service. He said he could stay in bed all the time that he is tired of life. Wow he is hard with himself but maybe he needs a change in his life. He needs to find people he can be close to. Not have for goal to be famous but have significant relationships in his life. He quotes Hamlet to live or not to live that is the question. he has no appetite. He says he would go to America but the travel is too long so he won’t. He is complaining for sure about his life now all summer it’s now September and he is back in Copenhagen in a bad mood says he feels like traveling but does not know where to? So traveling is an escape for him. It’s Grundtvig’s funeral he does not go fearing for his health. He has dark thoughts and thinks of his end like Grundtvig’s. He does something my doctor said never to do: drink alone. People want to see how his apartment look like and they say it’s hyggeligt he likes his apartment, this I have in common with him. People who come visit me in my apartment say it’s hyggeligt. He is sick and feels awful he says he feels godless and in dispair. He calls for the doctor. He says it’s his death and he is not prepared for it. doctor came and said it would take two weeks before things are normal again so Andersen is reassured. He writes he is bored of life and anxious about death. he gets many visitors feels anxious and cries. He is really sick and all Copenhagen knows he gets many visitors but is not so happy he is tired. The royal king asked for his health and Andersen said this touched him. It is now December. Then he receives letters from the royals on his health. He says to a visitor that there is so much good in the people in all classes they are all concerned on his health i think he means.
When I am not reading Andersen and writing here I am out in Copenhagen the month of August was very sunny and September is also a treat. Here are some photos.
So yes it is now time to start the last book of Andersen. I expect him to discuss death and hear about how he prepares to die. I hope this will be the topic of his last diaries. It can be very interesting. I was thinking if you compare Andersen to Kierkegaard Andersen had little love in his life, he had the Swedish woman Jenny Lind but they were not together, he had no woman in his life. In this way Kierkegaard was luckier he had Regine in his life. But then Kierkegaard died early while Andersen over lived Kierkegaard. It’s now the second wave of corona virus which means we can not be more than 50 people together. Tomorrow I have mass I think it will be cancelled the walk will do me good but I don’t expect the priest to be there. So I have taken a break from Andersen but shortly I will return and finish his diaries. I went to a job interview and the woman was impressed with my reading of Andersen so that was nice. Maybe I will get the job. And if I start working then my life will change. I won’t have so much time anymore. I am on my path and where I am supposed to be. And today I went to visit my aunt and when I heard the train I looked at my watch it was 08 so I knew now when the train comes I don’t have to rely on the Tao. The Tao is happy with me when I visit my aunt and now maybe we can move on to other things. Like my closeness to Andersen. Mogens said I would hear from Patrice or his father. Monday I speak to Elisabeth. It’s been a while since we talked. Ulrik is busy his father died and he has his mum now who needs him and also his son. He has not forgotten me just been busy. My Tai Chi friend. Also a mentor. I love mentors. It’s march in Andersen’s diary it’s cold but not that cold weather during the winter close to zero degres on the plus side. He is still sick doctor gave him morphine to sleep he took it and said he slept well. What has changed in 1874 is that he does not take walks every day anymore. He can stay two weeks inside his apartment, People know he was sick so they come to him and visit him. He is a combination of ok and depressed and grumpy. OK he had a nice birthday, he just stays home and gets visitors and does not go to the theater anymore at night he stays home with visitors or is invited to dinner. Sometimes he has no visitors and he complains being alone. He does not like to be alone. It’s August and he reflects that there is a bitterness in him all makes him annoyed and is not happy with people. With the cold weather he becomes more peaceful he still complains saying he is not well and tired. He starts to take morphine at night before going to bed but then he stops which made me happy. He thanked God for the year and now it’s the beginning of his last year. 1875. His birthday he turns 70 it is very social with many people. He goes to bed tired says his body is pathetic but that God gave him a wonderful day he is so happy he can’t sleep. He loses his energy slowly he stays home and rests he is very tired whenever he goes out sometimes even if the weather is good he stays home. He does not feel good. His mind is not happy. He gets stressed and spends more time alone. It’s now May. He is sick doctor mentions the hospital but he stays home he takes morphine again and is delirious and is not feeling well at all. Jonas spends the night there and also another man. It seems his close friends know it’s the end. He never really recovered from when he was sick. It’s end of June Jonas helps him with packing he is traveling in July. There is no more diary from him. Starting July Melchior writes down his diary for him. He is sick he is tired falls asleep during the day and does not sleep well. Takes his morphine. He writes his will. He is having better days but his life has changed he stays home and writes letters and gets visitors he does not go out anymore. Now it is written by Melchior who stays with him he is in bed. She brings food to his bed and he asks if he can be alone. He says he understands nothing. He dies peacefully the fourth of August. So this is what i feared he did not share with the world his preparation for dying maybe no one does maybe people just die one day without being prepared. I don’t know.
Today is Xmas day. Last night at 9 pm the bishop said the xmas mass is cancelled and the masses until January are cancelled. It was a let down especially since I expected to go to Refugium this year for Xmas and that was also cancelled because of corona. Of course I understand we would come from all corners of Denmark to meet at Refugium and corona can spread very easily. But church in Marmor well we followed the rules of distancing and washing hands and it was at the last minute they cancelled. So today, the 24th of December I decided I would walk to church today. Well yesterday I applied for jobs like crazy and at the end of the day I had a huge headache for staring at the computer screen for hours at a time, I had to go to bed early to stop staring at the computer. It was Mikkel my priest he told me Monday I had to work even if not a good job that if he could not stay at Marmor he would still work. I heard him loud and clear so I applied to many jobs to the point that I overdid it and had a headache. So, today I wrote to Mikkel my priest and told him I was disappointed mass was cancelled today but that it was good the church was open I would come. I asked him if the church would be open the coming days, So at noon I left my apartment and walked to town. At church it was fine. I left at 1:10 church to go back home. My plan was to prepare lunch I had bought the ingredients to make an onion pie. Elisabeth was calling after 6:30pm. As I was walking back home I checked my phone. There was a message from Mikkel he wanted me to go to Marmor at 3. it was 1:45. I wrote back immediately and said I would be there. On my way there i stopped at an open cafe and ordered a hot chocolate. I was not allowed to drink it inside so I went outside and drank my chocolate and it was cold. four degrees celcius. I decided it was better to be walking sitting down at a table I was just freezing. I decided to go to Amelienborg and take a photo. When my mum came to visit we took the boat ride around Copenhagen and when we came to the canal between Amelienborg and the opera she told me this deserves a photo. So I decided to take that photograph. Indeed I had not met with Troels yet. I have not told you yet but my book on the Danes got revived and now Troels is helping with the photos. But he is really busy with work now because they have to close for year end. He wants us to meet in person to do the job. I want to add photos of Denmark to my book. We will do that together. Maybe after new year I am not sure. And Cat is helping me with the text. She found me from the alumni network at UCSB. So I am busy every day with my book. my job search and my walk. Anyways that was a digression I went to Amelienborg and took the photo it has Amelienborg and then in perspective Marmor. I was quite happy. it was 2:35 by then so I decided to go inside church and wait for 3 pm. The organist was playing it was nice. Soon it was 2:55 and I went to the room next to Mikkel’s office. The workers I knew from the mass were there. I told them Mikkel had invited me to come and soon Mikkel showed up. We were six. I asked Mikkel if I could help him and he said no I was a guest and then his worker took over and helped him. We had a wonderful sweet and some port wine which was also very good. I felt Mikkel’s ability to love very strongly. He gave me a huge present by inviting me to his gathering. Then after we talked for 45 minutes we left and I walked home. My onion pie was not part of the plan anymore it would have to be for another day. I loved how my day unfolded and how i adapted to events. For sure seeing Mikkel that day was great. They said that it was possible to visit church every day Marmor is not closed. Just no mass. I got a copy of the prædiken Mikkel had prepared for xmas mass. It was great. I read it at home. It was about how you need to get involved in life. I wrote to him and told him he was a good writer and that I hope I am involved in my life. And I thanked hi for the present he gave me by inviting me to his arrangement. When I met with him Monday he recommended I read a book about his conversation with a Danish actress and I bought the book and started reading it. It’s my new reading assignment. So in 2021 you will hear about it. I post now the photos of Amelienborg and the guard I took today on my way to Marmor church.
I got home at 5. Time to eat something. I had smørrebrød I chose sild and brie. it was just what I needed. Then I charged my phone. Elisabeth was to call after 6:30pm. My phone had just 1% battery. So I decided not to tell Elisabeth I was home early since my phone needed charging. I watched the news at 6. It was about Brexit and how the number of people infected with corona went down again today. Good. Elisabeth called and I told her about my day and she listened. She gave me good advice and then after thirty minutes she said she would call me for new year. it was great. So this was my xmas. Quality people and lots of love. I wrote to Mikkel and told him I read his prædiken and he is a great writer and that I hope I am involved in my life. And then I thanked him for the xmas present he gave me by inviting me.. Now I know what to do. Work on my job applications and read his book and work on my book. Will keep me busy until the end of the year. And I also plan to go to Marmor every day for my daily walk.